The End....Or The Beginning?

Well, this is my final post whilst travelling around South East Asia.

I have to say that this has been one of the best experiences of my life. I know everyone said it would be but you don't fully understand what it means until you actually do it. Looking back now it seems only yesterday that I left my dad, brothers and sister at Manchester Airport bound for China. Everyone kept asking me if I was scared but the truth is, I never gave myself time to think about it. If I did then I probably would have chickened out long before.

The most daunting time was when I arrived at my hostel in Beijing. I'd actually gotten there ok but the thought of leaving it the next day to go explore this amazing capital city, well, to say I was shit scared would be an understatement. How did I get over it? As my regional manager said (on more than one occasion) J.F.D.I.......Just Fucking Do It.....and I did.

I never really thought about what I wanted out of my trip as a person but here are a few cliche's answered.

Am I a more confident person? I think so in some areas but not all. Ok I can navigate my way around Asia and do it alone but then again I was quite independent in doing this at home. If I wanted to go somewhere I would and I wouldn't expect anyone to hold my hand whilst doing it. I still find it hard sometimes to strike up a conversation with everyone I meet but I don't know if this is just because a lot of people I came across never seemed approachable to me. At the same time I think now that if they can't be bothered then why should I waste my time. I was happy having alone time but the friends I did meet were amazing in every way. Maybe I just had a feeling I wouldn't click with the others?

Did I 'find' myself? If by this it means discovering what I want out of life then yeah I suppose I did. If it means that I now know who I am then that's more difficult to answer. I know for sure what I like and what I don't like but do we ever know who we really are? I mean, we change and adapt ourselves everyday in life but now I believe I will do this for me and what feels right and not just to please everyone else. As for knowing what I want then yeah, I have to say I now do. I know I want to change my career and as scary as it sounds I actually find it exciting. This coming from someone stuck in the same job in the same branch for 10 years not wanting to step out of her bubble. I know I want to get my finances under control to be able to have a comfortable life ready to be lived. I want to take up hobbies and learn new and exciting things such as....learning Spanish fluently, learn a musical instrument like the piano maybe, keeping myself fit as a lifestyle and not just because of my weight, quit smoking so I can afford other luxuries like clothes and being able to do more things with my friends and family. I'm not saying i'll be able to do all these things but I know now that if I want it bad enough then I can go for it. No more being scared that i'll never be any good so why bother.

Ready for a relationship? Oooh this is a tough one. Whilst being away I've had time to reflect on my choices and actions in the past. The two things that still haunted me were cheating on Stuart resulting in my failed marriage and falling so badly for Dan and getting hurt like nothing else when he played me for 2 years and then rejected me. After 7 years of beating myself up about it and making myself ill to the extreme of severe depression, I finally realised that I had to forgive myself. With Stuart I realised it wasn't all my fault. It was both of ours. He was as much to blame as me but being so young back then I didn't know how to deal with it so I resented him and found a way to push him out of my life. Dan on the other hand, well I still think he's a class A prick and he shouldn't have treated me the way he did, but I let him. I have to take responsibility for that and I now have.

But am I ready to risk it all again? I just don't know. Most of you know that I signed upto a website called Tagged.com in my last month out here. I did this for 2 reasons. The first, so I could get used to talking to guys again and the second, because I knew I was away and the chance of actually meeting any of these guys would have to wait. I know you can never really know a person until you meet them but even chatting to them has had its ups and downs. I know now that being out of the dating game has had me at a severe disadvantage. I've been single for 7 years and I've never had to 'play the game' before. After some wise words from a true friend I think I finally get it. Don't get me wrong, I'll never say never but in order to find a relationship, I first need to concentrate on the relationship with myself which still needs a bit more attention.

Enough of this in depth rubbish. What were the highlights of my trip? Well here are my most memorable things in each place I visited....

China

Standing on the Great Wall 3 days after i'd left home.

Meeting a great friend whilst working with the Panda's in Ya'an and having a great time in Shanghai when we met up again

The food

Hong Kong

Being able to get to a gorgeous beach 10 minutes from the hustle and bustle of downtown

Cambodia

Sunrise at Angkor Wat Temple and the Tombraider Temple

Chilling out in Sihanoukville....a place i'd never heard of.

Vietnam

My 4 day motorcyle tour to Dalat

Halong Bay....simply stunning

Overnight sleeper buses

Laos

My time spent with a good friend I met in Vietnam

Buddha Park

Ending up at the wrong end of the country after a 22hr bus journey

Kuang Si Waterfalls

Thailand

Meeting amazing friends and having the time of my life in Koh Phi Phi

Island hopping

Bangkok at New Year

Malaysia

Cameron Highlands...beautiful

Seeing the Petronas Towers

My fun stay at the Reggae Mansion in KL

Singapore

The Duck and Flyer Tour

Food at Clarke Quay

Indonesia & Bali

Climbing the active Mt Bromo

Holding an orangutan

Ubud....amazing restaurants, hotel, monkey forest and the Og Og Balinese New Year

The amazing infinity pool in Amed and watching the sunrise over it

Philippines

Staying with a local family and a good friend Leila

Parties in Boracay and amazing beaches

Best BBQ chicken I've ever tasted

Taking part in the Easter parade

Watching the sunset with the local kids

I've had some amazing times, good times, funny times and bad times of which I have shared with you all. And although you couldn't write half of the stuff that happened to me, well, I can promise you that every word written was the truth. I've had more up's than down's even though the down's were really tough to deal with alone. I said before I came out here that if I was really unhappy I would give it a week before deciding to come home. I'm glad I never got that far. Ok i've been homesick more than a few times and had the worse stomach bug imaginable resulting in being on a drip for 5 hours in a hospital but I cried it out, stayed strong and carried on. So yeah, I can say that I am now a stronger willed person and i'm determined to stay this way and not run back to my meds whenever I have a blip in my life. I've learned that only you can change your life for the better.

To anyone who has always wanted to travel but been to scared too, I'd say do it! It honestly is so easy. All you need is a little confidence and a bit of asacommon sense. I got by in every country by learning two small words....hello and thank you. Seriously.

Will I ever travel again? Well I'd like to think so and my only regret is not starting sooner. There are so many other places of the world I want to see but I also have a life at home I want to build.

Besides, the world isn't going anywhere.